I Am So Smrt...I Mean Smart

Couldn't resist this classic...

(Again, just click on the title)

The Shining...I Mean Shinning

Probably my favorite Halloween episode ever on the Simpsons. So many great lines:
1. Homer: No beer, no tv make Homer go something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

2. Homer: TV!!! Teacher, mother...secret lover.

Just click on the title to watch...

These Are Some Of My Favorite (Simpsons) Things...

It's only about a week until the Simpsons movie premiere, so I'd like to celebrate by posting some of my favorite moments from the show. Here's my favorite Troy McClure educational movie. Just click on the title to see the show...

Punctuation Vigilante

Taking a page from Lynne Truss' book Eats, Shoots and Leaves, I actually corrected a sign at a coffee shop this weekend. Someone at the shop wrote "Salad's" instead of "Salads" on the menu board in front of the counter. While the guy was making my turtle mocha, I erased the apostrophe between the d and the s. Does anyone know why? That's right: Putting the apostrophe between the d and the s makes the word both singular and possessive, as if to say, "The following items on this menu board belong to this particular salad. If you find them, please return them to the above mentioned salad." In actuality, the word on the board was intended to be plural and was referring to the many salad options available.

To Punctuation Vigilantes (or PV's) like myself, this was something I could not ignore. I had to leap into action and save the day. I felt like I was doing the internet cafe employees and visitors a service by correcting the grammatical offense. But I did so silently. I made no remarks to the employees. I didn't want to offend them or make them feel less then grammatical than me. That is not the PV way. My next project is to not only correct grammar, but also correct spelling mistakes on MySpace and Facebook. This will be a full time job.

Why I Hate Paintball

Man, do I hate playing paintball. But its been a Youth for Christ "tradition" for 3 years. Part of this tradition is getting lost on the way there. Every time. I did it again this year too. So, besides getting lost every year, why do I hate paintball?

1. It's always hot. And I'm wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Oh, and a plastic mask over my head.

2. I can't see anything out of the scratched up rental mask plastic visor. This makes me nervous. It also gets fogged up alot.

3. I hate running around the woods while hiding from people who are trying to shoot me. I'm too scared to look around and I'm out of shape.

4. I have horrible aim.

5. I don't know what I'm doing. Real paintball players have strategy and such. I do not. They shoot me first.

6. I don't like getting shot.

7. Getting hit by paintballs really hurts (see #6). And it scares the crap out of me. The plus side is that I get to walk off the field, take off my mask, sit down and relax for a few minutes, laughing at everyone else.

Happy 4th from Wilmore, Kentucky...

Here's some pics from the annual 4th of July parade this year. You just can't beat Wilmore, Kentucky for the best parade - ever.

Saul's Donkeys

All of us geeky seminary types like to point out the imagery of David shepherding sheep before he came to shepherd the people. We think its cool. He fought lions, bears, and people to take care of his sheep. No wonder he became king. Saul, on the other hand tended donkeys.

In I Samuel 9, we find Saul on the hunt for his father's wayward asses. He takes along some "boy" to help and they can't find the donkeys. They search all over Israel for them, but they're gone. Saul is ready to go home, but the "boy" instructs him to seek counsel from Samuel. Saul doesn't think this will work, but what the hey, he was out of ideas. And abracabra, Saul is king. Of course, there's more to the story, but that's how Samuel and Saul met.

Compare that story with chapter 16. Saul is no longer in good standing and Samuel is instructed to go to Jesse's house to anoint the new king. David isn't there. He's the youngest, but he's out tending the sheep. David didn't seek out Samuel. Samuel found David and waited for him.

Donkeys versus sheep. I'm not sure of the biblical imagery of the donkey, but it seems that the author(s) of Samuel are making the point that Saul was just doing what he was told. David was obedient, and he was faithful. He actually found his sheep and defended them while Saul gave up and headed home when he couldn't find his donkeys.

I have no deep, theological point here. I'm just a seminary geek that noticed something pretty cool about something I just read.

Isaiah 46.1-4

Bel crouches, Nebo cowers;
their images have gone to beast and cow.
The things you carry are loaded as a burden on the weary.
They cower, they crouch together; they are unable to deliver the burden;
but they themselves go into captivity.
Listen to me, house of Jacob,
all the remnant of the house of Israel,
those who have been carried from the womb,
those who have been borne from the belly,
until old age I am he,
until gray haired age I will bear.
I made, and I will carry;
I will bear, and I will deliver.

In this passage, the prophet Isaiah is describing the labor that people would have to endure to carry their gods (Bel and Nebo) with them when they are taken captive and deported. He then compares those gods to the God who bore them and carries them.

John Oswalt says it much better:

"In moments of catastrophe, the human and animal sufferers have to give time and energy to delivering the gods from harm's way. In contrast, it is God who has been carrying Israel from the beginning and will continue to do so until the end...His main point is that these beautiful images...are now a matter for oxcarts and donkeys."

A New National Anthem

I went to a baseball game last night. OK, it was a minor league game, but we all had the opportunity to sing the national anthem. I don't think any one of us did. Here's why:

1. The lady singing the anthem chose to sing at the highest glass-shatteringest octave she could muster. I heard dogs barking behind the stadium.

2. No one really knows the words. What's a rampart? What comes first, "rockets red glare, or bombs bursting in air"?

3. Our national anthem...brace yourselves...stinks.

It sounds harsh, but you all know its true. The arrangement is all over the place. Highs and lows are living together right next to each other. Its crazy. The tune may have worked 200 years ago, but it doesn't now. Do you find yourself humming the tune during the day? I didn't think so.

But I do find myself humming "O, Canada". I'm not even Candadian, but the tune rocks. I caught Alanis Morrisette singing both anthems on TV the other night during the Stanley Cup finals in Ottawa (if you want to watch it, click on the title of this article). Of course no one sang along for our anthem. But when she started "O, Canada" everyone (and I mean everyone) sang along. It also helped that it was acapella. Just her and 20,000 Canadians. At one point she even stopped singing and pointed her mic at the crowd and they carried the tune. I got chills. And I'm not Canadian. The tune works, the lyrics are timeless (sort of) and everyone gets into it. Our anthem was penned in a prison during a battle. It sounds like theirs was conceived in a bar with a bunch of drunk people. It's awesome.

I know they have toyed with the idea of changing ours to "America the Beautiful" or "Enter Sandman", but after this week, I am pushing for a new anthem. What are your thoughts? Do we need to change it, and if so, to what?

Trophy Found In Cleveland - Authorities Are Stumped

I heard on the news that a trophy was misplaced in Cleveland this weekend. The police figured someone from out of town lost it downtown and left no forwarding address. Actually, they had a very difficult time identifying the object as no one had seen a trophy before. An old man at a nursing home vaguely recalled seeing a trophy at some point in his life and identified the object as such. It took a while for authorities to come to grips with the fact that this thing was actually for a team from Cleveland. We're still trying to figure this one out.

So the Cleveland Cavaliers won the Eastern Conference Finals this weekend. We're the Eastern Conference Champions. We're in the NBA Finals. For the first time ever. Hmmm. Sounds weird.

I mean, its just not that often that you hear the words "champions" and "Cleveland" in the same sentence. Unless that sentence reads something like, "Eventual World Series champions Atlanta Braves beat Cleveland four games to two", or "The Denver Broncos are the champs at beating Cleveland no matter what", or "Michael Jordan sure beat Cleveland like a champ."

We're just used to losing big games and always being the underdog. That's just how we roll in Cleveland. We don't win championships, we help other individuals and teams in their pursuit of a championship. We like to think of it as a ministry. Where would Michael Jordan be without Craig Ehlo and the Cavs? Nowhere. The Braves would never have won a World Series without us. The Broncos would never have had to rise from the ranks of the laughingstocks if they had let us win just one AFC Championship game. Just one.

But now, we are the champs of the Eastern Conference of the NBA. And yes, we will probably lose big time to San Antonio, but really, who cares? We won something. We got to hoist up some trophy with a shiny basketball, for cryin' out loud. Let us have this moment. They don't come that often to the city of Cleveland.

Don't Mess With Fletch!

I think we could all agree that Fletch is one of the greatest movies of all time. It's got everything: Chevy Chase, Norm from "Cheers", great music, high speed car chases, basketball dream sequences, and great lines like: "Oh, thank God...its the police" and "Could I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo" and my favorite: "Look, defenseless babies!"

I also assumed that the rest of the world agreed with me. But today I found this article that disagrees with me: http://www.slate.com/id/2166941?nav=ais. Well, disagrees is too light of a word. This guy actually hates this movie. It makes him angry. Even though I've read the article, I still can't understand why he hates it so. I can understand his arguments, but really...how could you hate this movie? Why is he putting so much thought into this movie? Is it really necessary? Is he related to Mr. Underhill?

When I was 15 (when the movie came out) I don't remember thinking, "Wow. Fletch has a big problem with rich, conservative authority figures. I think he's reacting to the recent re-election of Ronald Reagan and the unnerving decline of liberalism. Somebody should say something." I just enjoyed the movie. And I still do.

Theological Worldview Quiz

Just in case you're questioning your call to a certain brand of theology, here's a quiz that may help define it for you: www.quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=43870. I've discovered that I'm a Wesleyan Holiness/Postmodern/Neo-Catholic freak. What are you?

The Great Gas Boycott of '07

I was told a couple of times last week that I needed to not buy gas on Tuesday, May 15th. Supposedly there was this great gas boycott organized for the day. The idea was that if no one bought gas on Tuesday, we would send a message to the oil companies that we weren't going to take it anymore. High gas prices, that is.

It really didn't matter to me because I already had a goodly amount of petrol in my tank, so I was able to drive by many gas stations on Tuesday without any sacrifice and observe how the great boycott was going. And they were full of customers. Not very surprising. Here's some theories on why it didn't work:

1. Not everyone has the internet, especially Facebook and the ability to join a group specifically designed for the purpose of not buying gas.

2. People need gas and don't care about a stupid boycott that won't work anyway.

I also read an article that said the boycott was pointless because its not a true boycott. When you boycott something, you are vowing to stop an action for a prolonged period of time, like a hunger strike or the 1980 Moscow Olympics (or the 1984 LA Olympics). The Great Gas Boycott was only for a day. It didn't stop the purchase of gas, it only delayed the purchase of gas. If you didn't buy it Tuesday, you could've gone on Wednesday. There's no sacrifice involved. A true boycott would be to not buy gas over a prolonged period of time. That would really hurt the oil companies and force them to take action. What happened Tuesday didn't hurt them at all. They're going to make their money later in the week regardless. It really only hurt the owners of the gas stations who have no control over the price of gas. They hardly make any money off gas anyway.

So, the boycott didn't work, people still bought gas on Tuesday, and what was our reward? Gas was $2.99 on Tuesday. It's now $3.19. Unleaded. Good work.

Alpha Male

So, I've volunteered to be a small group leader at my church for our new Alpha program. Pretty much we just watch a video of some English guy talk about God and then we split up into small groups to talk more about it. I go to my assigned location in the Alpha kitchen to await my group's arrival. One woman sits at the Alpha table. Then another, and another, and...another. At last count there were six (6) women (middle aged or greater) at my Alpha table awaiting my Alpha guidance. Now I'm not sexist or anything; I really appreciate a woman's Alpha input, but I needed/wanted at least one other Alpha male in my Alpha group. I was completely overwhelmed. I felt like I was hosting a taping of The View - Alpha style.

I've been told that men have a very limited vocabulary and women have an extremely open one. These Alpha women used all of my words for the next two days. I couldn't talk at all for 48 hours. I had heard too many Alpha words. Too much Alpha information. Don't get me wrong, it was a good group; but I didn't have to say much at all. They said I did a great job; I didn't say anything! Needless to say I was Alpha tired. All I wanted to do was go home and watch Lost. Which I did.

Miss USA vs. NCAA

I love this time of year when the sports gods are smiling on us and give us various conference basketball tournaments and the NCAA tournament (and, to a lesser extent, the NIT). I love brackets. If I could bracket my life, I would. But, I just leave bracketing to this time of year. I'm usually not very good at picking teams in the tourney, but I went out of my way to pick some key upsets this year. And...none of them happened.

Outside of VCU, Oregon, Vandy and Winthrop, no upsets this year. Its really weird. Needless to say, all of my brackets (which are now online for everyone to see) are messed up. I am currently at the bottom of the bracket barrel this year.

But, alas, I was redeemed this past Friday. Bored with basketball, I tuned in to watch the Miss USA pageant. You know the other Miss America, but they like to choose partying Kentucky girls for the crown. As the 51 contestants came out, I picked my favorites based on their appearance and my impressions of their "winnability". And, behold, I chose 3 of the top 5. Miss California placed 4th, Miss Kansas placed 3rd and Miss Rhode Island was 2nd. I did pick Miss Tennessee to win, but only after it was down to the final 10. So , I can't pick 'em in basketball, but I can pick 'em in Miss USA. Is this a problem, or a possible career for me? And what does this say about my view of women? How did I know this stuff? I'm amazed and very afraid.

Quote of the Week

I know this book's been out a few years and many of you have read it, but I just love this line (and most others) from this book:

"To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as 'Thank God its Friday' (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive 'its' (no apostrophe) with the contractive 'it's' (with apostrophe) is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a simple Pavlovian 'kill' response in the average stickler. The rule is: the word 'it's' (with apostrophe) stands for 'it is' or 'it has'. If the word does not stand for 'it is' or 'it has' then what you require is 'its'. This is extremely easy to grasp."
- Lynne Truss from Eats, Shoots & Leaves (p. 43)

I still remember this rule from Mrs. Frazier's grammar class in 7th grade. No science, no major logic, just "does it sound right?" If you reason it out (see above) you're probably right. Thanks, Mrs. Frazier. Get this book if you haven't already.

3 Doors Down

I love my car. I really do. It's a 92 Corolla with 206,000 miles on it. There's no washer fluid tank, the stereo sucks, the vinyl on the ceiling has either been ripped out or fallen out, and the door to the gascap was punched out (by me) when it wouldn't open. To make it even better, when I got the car 6 years ago, the rear right passenger door just didn't open. The previous owner didn't know why, but it just didn't work. No problem. A couple years ago, a youth (or yout) accidentally broke off the door handle to the rear left passenger door. Still, no problem. I just open the front door and reach around to open the door from the inside.

Well, last night a new chapter in the history of my car started. The handle on the driver's door finally broke off. I could feel it getting loose over the last few months. So, I've been very gentle with it, trying not to break it. But despite my efforts, the stupid thing just broke off yesterday. Its now an official problem. I only have one door I can open from the outside now. In order to get in, I have to open the front passenger door and reach over to open the driver's door, walk around the car and get in. I need a new car. Maybe. It still runs great. I just can't get in...

How to scam a scammer

Last week I was contacted by someone in Ivory Coast via facebook telling me that they wanted me to help them get over $9 million out of the country. They wanted me to invest it here and I would get a handsome compensation for my efforts. First, she told me that her father had died this summer in Lebanon, and then in another email, she told me that he died in Ivory Coast. I called her on it and she said that she was having a "translator problem". I guess Lebanon and Ivory Coast sound the same in her country. You would think by this time, that people would have given up on this scam after the many years it has been exposed.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out the next step in drawing this out. She wants my contact information (which I will not divulge) and my phone number. Should I give her bogus information, or should I keep asking questions? Should I try to witness to her? Or should I try to scam her? I have some very creative friends out there. Any comments or suggestions would be great.

Almost...

My beloved Kent State Golden Flashes came pretty close to the upset of the year last night as they lost to Duke 72-67. Despite not having the top players and being in Cameron Indoor Stadium and turning the ball over too many times to count, they still had a chance to beat Duke. The last time I saw them play this well was in 2001 when they made it to the Elite Eight. On the way, they beat Oklahoma State, Alabama, and Pitt. Kent was a ten seed that year. We're probably going to be seeing this team again in March, and not in the NIT.

Rodrigo y Gabriela

For those of you who'd like some new music, or have the time for some new music, might I recommend Rodrigo y Gabriela's album, Rodrigo y Gabriela. Hmm, I guess it is self-titled... They're a Mexican guitar duo from Dublin, Ireland (?) and they're really fun to listen to. There seems to be a pretty big bandwagon for them, and I tried to resist it, but I couldn't. I'm on the bandwagon. I just downloaded it today. They've released 2 other albums, but this is the first one to be released here in the states. I saw them on the Craig Ferguson Show (The Late Late Show) and have heard them on NPR's World Cafe (which, by the way, is a great show to listen to for great new "grown up" music). They'll be on Letterman on Dec. 18th.

Sounds like I'm being paid, doesn't it? I wish. Anyway, they combine flamenco, metal and folk into one acoustic blend. They also double as percussion. I'd love to see them live. If you enjoy Phil Keaggy, you'll love these guys. It's like two Phil Keaggy's on one album. I love acoustic guitar, and these two are amazing...and Gabriela's hot, too (another reason why I like them so). Click on the heading to listen to some of their music.

And, if you care, I'm also recommending Pete Yorn's Music For the Morning After (acoustic rock), the Futureheads News and Tributes (Brit pop), and The Black Keys Magic Potion (heavy blues). Merry freakin' Christmas.