Holy Smokes!

Now you can drop ashes on Jesus' thorny head when you smoke. Or, you can give this wonderfully judgmental gift to that insecure smoker in the family (as long as they don't smoke in your house). Sure, Jesus hates it when you smoke, but how about these other great ideas:

• a magnet that goes on your fridge that says, "Jesus hates it when you make yourself fat"
• a sticker that goes on your dashboard that says, "Jesus hates it when you drive angry"
• a sticker that goes on your trashcan that says, "Jesus hates it when you don't recycle"
• a bookmark that goes in your Bible that says, "Jesus hates it when you don't do what he says"
• a sticker that goes on your stereo that says, "Jesus hates it when you don't listen to contemporary christian music"
• Republicans could put out a mailing the week before the general election that says, "Jesus hates it when you vote Democrat"

So many stupid ideas, so little time...

Ministry Milestones, Vol. 2

So, you're a youth pastor/volunteer/sucker and you're dropping kids off after a youth-type event. You stop at a house, say goodbye to said youth and the youth in question suddenly exclaims, "Holy crap! No one's home! How am I going to get in?" Hmmm. How is said youth supposed to get in the house? More importantly, what am I going to do with this youth that's supposed to be in their house? I mean, I need to get home and check Facebook.

After calling mom and dad and having no other alternative, said youth realizes that the only way into the house is to break in. This is where being in ministry really comes into play. This is the moment where the volunteer who has sacrificed so much can truly shine and be a light to the next generation. All of my seminary training, volunteer training, Bible reading, praying and seeking guidance from the Lord above have come to this fine-tipped point in history.

So I pull out my wallet, pull out a hardly used gift card to a gas station, and after a few seconds, I successfully break in to her family's house. Yes, I was a beacon to that youth. I was finally able to be useful in their life, and maybe to others (if s/he tells their friends of my heroic deed). I wish I had to fill out weekly or monthly reports for the ministry. It may look something like this:

Youth Activities Week of January 13-21:
*weekly meeting (Monday 7pm-9pm)
*made kids eat spoon of cinnamon (it really burns, by the way) (Monday 7.30pm)
*hung out with the guys at internet cafe (Sunday 6pm-10pm)
*went bowling with youth (Monday 7.30pm-9pm)
*broke in to Brandi's house (Monday 9.15pm)

Yeah, that'd be an awesome report. They should just go ahead and engrave my name on the Volunteer of the Year Award. It's done. It's over. I'm awesome.

My First Industry Rant

I've been in the "internets" industry for over a year now, so I feel that it's safe enough for me to rant. I won't be ranting on my own employers (I'm not that stupid), but I will rant on other internet companies who are trying to make a fast buck while putting crap on the internet. Here goes:

I've done tons of research into the whole social networking scene and have found some pretty cool niche sites out there. Niche is where the net is going, by the way. You can find a social network for just about anything. In fact, the more general your site is, the less traffic you'll get. Tekkies are projecting a downward turn for MySpace and Facebook this year. I think they'll still be huge, but more people will be turning to smaller niche networks as well.

One of those groups that companies are hitting on are Christians. Marketers and advertisers have realized in the last 10 years that the Christian market is a big money maker. Unfortunately, this has led many non Christians to make inferior products (toys, games, clothes, MUSIC) and peddle them off to the Christian market to make money. All in the name of Christ. The social network market is no different. There are some genuine Christians trying to make genuine faith networks out there, but there are also some shady characters just trying to make money.

Sites like Godkut.com and FaithBase.com are two examples of companies trying to get money out of Christians. The company that makes FaithBase also makes Glee.com, a social network for homosexuals. They also have three other networks for ethnic groups. I'm not coming down on them for doing business with homosexuals, but they are not being upfront and honest with their clientele on their site. They don't tell the Christians about their "other" sites, and I don't think most Christians would support them if they knew.

In short, the internet is full of hucksters and charlatans promoting themselves as the "saviors" of the internet for people of faith. If you go on their sites, look at the fine print at the bottom of the home page and find out who their sponsors are. Find out the other sites and companies they promote and develop. If you're a member of FaithBase, drop them like a bad habit. They're not Christians and they don't care about you or your faith.

OK, that's my Industry Rant for the day. Thanks.

Things We Only Dream Of...

Just found this amazing motivational poster. Would this be the best show ever or what?

Another Sign of the Approaching Apocalypse...

I dare someone to buy this cross thingy for your iPod lanyard. First, you detach your unholy boring lanyard from your iPod and cast it into fiery hell, and then you attach the Holy Sanctified Cross Lanyard Of All Truth to your iPod. Just make sure you aren't listening to Marilyn Manson, Big N Rich or Buddy Holly while its attached. Something will happen. Not sure exactly what, but something...

Vandals With Markers...

My Post-BCS Rant

I'm not a hugely devoted obnoxious Ohio State fan, but I am a fan. I have a t-shirt from their 2003 championship and a hat. I've even marched at Ohio Stadium in the state marching band finals my senior year of high school. I come from a football crazy state (the home of the football hall of fame) and am proud of that fact. I also realize that obnoxious Texans and Floridians and Michiganders and Alabam-ers will claim to be more football-crazy, and that's fine. I just hate all the smack talk every time we lose to the arrogant SEC.

Yes, we are inferior. Yes, the BigTen is inferior and sad. Yes, some high school programs could've beaten Minnesota, Northwestern, and Michigan State this year. At the same time. But the fact is, and please read this carefully and slowly: Ohio State did not choose to be in the BCS Championship Game. We were placed there. If you will remember after we beat Michigan (again), Ohio State players were carrying roses. They didn't win a beauty pageant or give them to their mothers. It's an inferior BigTen tradition to have roses if you win the conference because they thought they were going to the Rose Bowl.

Even with an 11-1 record, they knew their schedule wasn't stellar; they knew that other teams were better. Really. Some critics (and rednecks) have this belief that the players and staff are arrogant so-and-so's who don't know anything about reality. Actually, they do. And I'll bet ya that Jim Tressell was incredibly surprised that his team ended up in the big game. And I'll bet he was also surprised that these supposedly superior teams (LSU, Kansas, Missouri, West Virginia) kept losing at the end of the season. Last year, he was criticized for having too much time off and not having a conference championship. This year he was given kudos for being a brilliant tactician for not having a conference championship and for playing all 12 games without a week off. Go figure.

In closing, Ohio State did what they were supposed to do against the teams they played (except Illinois). They did not ask or petition to play for the BCS. Yes, they could've turned it down, but that would've been weird. I would've preferred the Rose Bowl. We sure would've done better than Illinois. I really think this points to the need for a playoff. The Buckeyes didn't belong in that game, even though they did play better than last year. A playoff would've determined the real winner. It probably wouldn't have been LSU, either.

In the meantime, I think we should give the SEC fans/rednecks their wish and make the SEC Championship the National Championship. It is the vastly superior conference, after all.

From the Corrections Page...

Apparently the corrections editor at the Daily Telegraph (UK) was a genious and loved his job. He recently retired. Here's one of my favorites:

APOLOGY: In Friday’s article on Liz Hurley’s wedding it was wrongly stated that the actress is holding a pheasant shoot on the Sunday after the ceremony. Game shooting is of course illegal on Sundays and the pheasant season ended on Feb 1. We apologise for the error and accept that if any shooting is to be done it will be by the paparazzi, who have no season and do not observe the Sabbath.